Saturday, January 01, 2011

Dr. Grump has a go at plots

I have decided to write another novel, so Dr. Grump, being rather under-occupied this holiday, has decided to 'help me out' by suggesting a few plots she considers to be guaranteed best sellers. Each one is clearly a gem, so my only problem is deciding on which one to choose. Any advice gratefully accepted.

Plot 1: Sheepish Outcomes.

Ivor's son has a strange laugh. He has also got very thick blond hair that the barber has to remove like a pelt. Eileen, a geneticist, loves Ivor and is about to marry him but then a colleague comes to her with devastating news. Ivor's son is part sheep. His mother was the offspring of a genetic experiment involving a sheep as a surrogate mother, and during the gestation period some of the sheep's genetic material passed through the placenta and entered the boy's cells. Unfortunately, Eileen has a fatal allergy to any meat apart from mutton, and also has a rare blood condition requiring a constant supply of red meat. Should she marry Ivor? Should she confess that her mother ate Ivor's son's mother's thigh? And what should they have for dinner?

Plot 2: Bad Blood.

St Ursula's Old People's Home for the criminally insane is desperate for staff. The pensioners are generally challenging to look after. Carers last for less than a fortnight. Pauline, the matron, is at her wit's end until Martin, a gentle man of considerable charm, strength and patience is taken on to help around the garden. Immediately the pensioners are calmed by his presence. Pauline is about to go to a hospital to donate a kidney to a sister (who will die without it) leaving Martin in charge, but then she receives a report from a Private Detective with some devastating news. Martin is a reformed killer. A few months ago he converted to Christianity because of the influence of a charismatic minister, but the detective has uncovered evidence that he has now converted back to Vampire worship. Should Pauline leave the home in Martin's charge? Should she tell him of the hepatitis outbreak a couple of years ago that means that the blood products of most of the residents will still be infectious? And should she insist on the removal of the altar-mounted barbecue feature in the garden?

Plot 3: Memory Loss.

Professor Smythers, renowned climate scientist, is on the cusp of something big that will harmlessly reverse the effects of global warming. However, dementia is threatening his memory, and the only thing that can save him are stem cells from his own offspring. Unfortunately, Sally, his wife of forty-three years, is too old to have children and their only son is estranged, having become a fascist dictator in a remote Himalayan princedom. He has sworn he will never speak to them again unless they accept his philosophies of white racial superiority and controlled genocide. One of Professor Smythers' colleagues claims to have come up with a treatment for Sally which will help her regain her fertility but it comes at a huge risk - she could become as hairy as a gorilla. Should she go for it? Or should the Smythers join his son's new National Socialist party? Or should she allow Luscious Tracy of Basingstoke to do the honours with a turkey baster?


Blogger aliholli said...

Where DO you get your ideas Grumpy??? Definitely the first and especially with your Welsh influences, hahahahaha xx

Sat Jan 01, 10:18:00 pm  
Blogger Clare Dudman said...

Dr. Grump wishes me to pass on her thanks, Ali. She says she was especially pleased with that one.

Sat Jan 01, 11:44:00 pm  
Blogger Anne S said...

Actually I found the second plot to be the most intriguing. Though they're all rather tasty to contemplate as novels.

Sun Jan 02, 10:22:00 am  
Blogger Clare Dudman said...

Thanks Anne. Dr. Grump is most gratified. :-)

Sun Jan 02, 11:30:00 am  
Anonymous Gilles said...

Sorry, but these plots remind me of A Series of Unfortunate Events and "white racial superiority" in an Himalayan princedom seems incoherent according to any reception theory.

Of course what you choose to write is none of my business, you write what you need to write, and I don't know who Dr. Grump is, but… I think (after reading excerpts of your books) that you can find better plots than these ; they are too artificial and in my opinion writing sur commande (to order?) is never a good idea.

In other words, let Dr. Grump write along these scenarios herself !

Mon Jan 03, 05:43:00 am  
Blogger Clare Dudman said...

Thank you Gilles. I certainly shall!

(I never take Dr.Grump very seriously, by the way. As a specialist in Sexual Dynamics and Etymology at the University of Uuurm she tends to have a somewhat nuanced view of life).

Mon Jan 03, 11:38:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm amazed that Dr. Grump is so prolific in terms of exercise advice and story ideas. I'm beginning to think that Dr. Grump may actually be a supercomputer. Could GRUMP be an acronym for General Robotics Universal Mega-storyandexercise-ideas Processor?

-I. Robot

Mon Jan 03, 07:15:00 pm  
Blogger Clare Dudman said...

Good idea, Mr, Robot, but no, Dr. Grump is just an under-occupied lump of flesh and blood.

(Ans also a genius, she would like me to add).

Mon Jan 03, 07:40:00 pm  
Anonymous Mary said...

Please let Dr. Grump know that I prefer plot #2. I think Pauline should leave Martin in charge and not tell him about the potentially infectious blood. (Is that mean of me?)

Tue Jan 04, 03:27:00 am  
Blogger Marly Youmans said...

Dr. Genius Grump should work more with sheep, in my estimation.

Tue Jan 04, 03:38:00 am  
Blogger Clare Dudman said...

Heh, heh, so do I, Mary - much more potential for hand-wringing and soul-searching.

Tue Jan 04, 08:04:00 am  
Blogger Clare Dudman said...

Dr. Grump is always pleased to work with sheep, Marly :-) They are her favourite species, after humans, cockroaches and ring-tailed lemurs.

Tue Jan 04, 08:07:00 am  

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