Thursday, August 03, 2006

Dr Grump says...


I would just like to point out that the dog was right. All teddy bears costing more than say £10 should, as a matter of course, be decapacitated. My justification is as follows:
(i) they are only soft toys;
(ii) there are more important things to buy and keep - and think about, frankly;
(iii) soft toys older than their owner harbour their own weight in dust and bed-bug droppings;
(iv) treasuring other people's old soft toys is a strong indicator for the severe emotional dysfunction Rupertiski Inadequatus by proxy. Early diagnosis ensures better eventual recovery. Teddy bear decapacitation has been shown to aid this process.
(v) In view of point (iv) Barney the dog might better serve the community on a peripatetic basis as Teddy Bear warden.
(vi) However, small 45 year old white bears with crazed blue glass eyes are protected from any action. They are classified as academic bears and serve a useful role in the area of moral hygiene research and etymology.

For more details on Barney's predicament see this article.

Dr Grump would like to apologise for the recent paucity of postings. Academic affairs have been pressing, plus the Isle of Wight appears to be devoid of internet cafes.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just testing...clare

Thu Aug 03, 10:40:00 am  
Blogger chiefbiscuit said...

Dear Dr Grump - Go on admit it - underneath all that grumping and huffing, you are really a bit of an old softie - in fact not unlike an old, well-worn teddy.

Thu Aug 03, 01:34:00 pm  
Anonymous crimeficreader said...

Dear Dr Grump,

With Barney as a peripatetic Teddy Bear Warden, I have visions of this island being covered with lots of screaming toddlers in push chairs accompanied by rolling decapitated teddy bear heads trailing kapok behind them...
(But perhaps I've read too much crime fiction.)

Now there's a commercial opportunity for someone - opening the first internet cafe on the Isle of Wight!

Thu Aug 03, 03:14:00 pm  
Anonymous Jan said...

Also in the news today: square shaped melons will soon be available in UK.Thought you'd like to know.

Thu Aug 03, 06:57:00 pm  
Blogger Maxine said...

While we are being grumpy, I'd get rid of the dog and the teddy. The thing that stood out in my mind about this stupid story, to which the Times devoted most of page 3 (I say "stupid" becuase it is both a non-story and boring), is that 2,500 people had to be turned away today when they closed this museum. What on earth are 2,500 people doing with their lives that they have nothing better to do than to go to a teddy bear museum? And with gates of 2,500 a day, what profits! (Until the dog, there can't be much upkeep and maintenance costs to a teddy bear collection.)
Was that grumpy enough?

Thu Aug 03, 07:27:00 pm  
Anonymous crimeficreader said...

Pre-dog 2,500.
Post-dog? I dread to think. They got some summer publicity out of it and the weather always takes a turn for the worst in last week or so of August...

As for square melons - who actually needs them? With 90 degree angles and three dimensions, getting the seeds out of the middle will become a piece of precision engineering. Oh no, don't tell me, someone's invented just the right electrical implement? On Dragon's Den is it?

Thu Aug 03, 07:38:00 pm  
Anonymous Dr Grump said...

Chiefbiscuit: Old? Well-worn? I'll have you know I am a 5 foot 11 size 8 23 year old with raven-black hair and a flawless complexion!

CFR: Screaming toddlers? Ha, bring them on. I like it when they cry.

Jan: Is this a plastic surgery story?

Maxine: I am not at all surprised 2 500 people wanted to go and look at teddy bears. I am surprised it was so few. I am looking into establishing a museum devoted to interesting fluff layers extracted from my tumble dryer next door- do you fancy coming in with me?

CFR: Getting the seeds out? Oh I see. I was thinking more in terms of lingerie innovation. The new shape from gossards

Thu Aug 03, 08:29:00 pm  

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