Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Redundant Words.

Does everyone feel like this? Like they don’t really belong, that they are somehow out of step, that there is something they should know, if only someone would tell them? I remember the first time I felt it. I was at school and someone said I should read out the passage in the concert. There was something strange about the way I read, apparently, something that made people listen. I had, I learnt later, an accent that was different from everyone else’s around me. I was a stranger - and I don’t think the feeling has ever left me. I have always felt out of place as if I don’t belong. I would declare my Otherness stridently, proudly, even thought the accent soon faded. For a time I went back to this place where I came from. I taught for a few years in an Other school. I thought I’d feel at home but I didn’t. 'That’s not how you say it, Miss..'. It was too late by then of course. My accent had changed to something else. Like a sound-chameleon my voice adapts, but the heart of me takes longer.

I've just worked out I have written more than 26 000 words this week. Of course most of them are rubbish. I started with this and then forgot I'd got it. I just came across it now on my desk top now and thought I'd post it up here. What else are blogs for?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Clare, I know exactly how you feel by not belonging. Or being different. I always feel like I am smaller, shorter, and more insignificant than anyone else.Almost like a mouse looking up at an elephant. And I still feel like I am a silly child and everyone else is my elder and superior. Even much younger people than me feel like my elders. I'm not sure why I feel like this, perhaps a psychiatrist (had to look up the spelling) could unearth the reason. I also feel like I'm thicker than everyone around me, I think that is because I left school at 14. I dont know anyone else under 60 who left that early. But I do have ONE 'A' LEVEL!!! So to make up for this feeling, I have to be louder than other people, then I feel embarassed by my loudness, and I have to show people I know things to prove I'm not stupid, but it just comes out like I'm bragging, and that makes me cringe and think I really am just as silly as I think I am. But I do seem to have a lot of friends, and I dont know why these people like such a silly, bragging, loud insignificant person such as me. At least I think they like me, now I'm not even sure of that, but they did welcome me home so profusely and told me how much they missed me, and one friend even said 'now I'm going to feel much better'... But it doesnt take away the feeling of smallness I have. Though I don't dwell on it and most of the time I am happy, or as my husband puts it 'Tweet Tweet Petunia' Now I'm not going to say who I am, 'cos I'm writing this incognito.

Sat Nov 05, 10:37:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, anon, I don't think it matters when you left school - staying there makes you more educated but not more intelligent, and you are clearly treasured by the people around you which must be one of the most important things in life, which in turn makes you happy. Happiness and health - I think they are the most important things in life.

I think you write very well too - so thanks very much for writing to me!

Sun Nov 06, 10:58:00 am  

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