Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The non-linearity of time

Tescos supermarket. Apparently the company has the turnover and affluence of a small country. We needed food and so my husband took the afternoon off to take me shopping. Except for the train journeys it is the first time I have been out since Huw died. It seems a long time since he went now, but it is less than a week. Time has slowed, every hour drawn out, everything is hard and almost too much effort.

Already I have seen my brother's ghost. It happens everytime someone I know is lost - they appear to me in the faces of strangers, in the movement of a hand, the turn of a head - little parts of them reminding me of the person who has gone. Then, as we reached the main street there was a busker playing an electric violin. It was such a sad tune, one I recognised, one that Huw once played, that it drew away all my energy and left me numb, as though I'd been placed in a jar, not quite in the world any more.

Normally I walk fast. Normally people complain that they can't keep up, but today, after I heard that violin, I seemed to be wading - down the road and into the supermarket, my husband picking things off shelves while I leaned on the handles too tired to care. He says it is shock, quite normal, but I hate being like this. Everyone is telling me to stop and try to recover but I keep on trying to keep going and not sleeping much at all.

It will get better, everyone tells me, it just takes time. But I am frantic to continue, afraid I have done too little. Eighteen months writing and rewriting and I have got nowhere.


Blogger Babsie said...

you have to recover from your loss on your own time...there is no magic predictioning declaring the end of your grief...

it never truly ends, but the sharpness of the loss seems to is your side poking you when you turn the wrong way...when you hear a sound..a voice..a have lost...i think it is a defense that we do not forget...we remember..the happy go lucky times...the smiles, the laughter, the songs...the joyful memories..they are bring to the surface when the pain seems too great..
treasure them...they bring you comfort...they are what gets you through the rough one can take them from you...

thank you for sharing them

Sun Nov 20, 04:22:00 pm  

Post a Comment

Comments are subject to moderation.

<< Home